I'm putting this in the Education category because an argument I like to go on a lot about to anyone who will listen is this: we know that cognitive growth outcomes for all kids, regardless of SES or race is greater when they attend diverse schools. We know that diverse schools serve many long-term goals related to positive social change. However, we also know that despite having access to all of this information, and possibly even agreeing with it publically, many parents of privileged kids will still send their kids to schools that are not diverse. I have always wondered if we are missing a piece beyond "well, sometimes people are just still racist." If we're serious about meeting people where they are and listening to their truths, we might be able to hear that people are worried about their kids, don't necessarily want to make them social projects, and that they know that it's hard. Can we not be honest about this last part? Because diversity is hard! Bringing people with different ways of living, different value systems, different histories, different relationships to place, etc, is a massive social undertaking. There is a lot to get wrong and how to get it right depends upon so many factors. What if we were to name this truth and to allow for it? What if instead of shame around statements like, "my children just aren't that 'tough'" (a real thing I heard from a mom who chose to open-enroll her kids to a school other than my kids' school), we were to respond (like I didn't), "it sounds like you are worried that your values and the values of other parents around the issue of conflict resolution might be different, and you are concerned that your kids will suffer some hurt from that." It could be that mom just thinks Black kids are wild, and I get that. But what if mom is worried more about the unknown than a "known" bias? And if we were to take this seriously, be able to talk through what different approaches to conflict resolution in different cultural systems might look like and what conversations you might have with your kids and other parents about that? It might look something like acknowledging that some kids are taught to hit first and discuss later when a sibling is threatened because establishing that your sister is not someone you can mess with, because your family faces multiple historical threats and this was necessary in some time and contexts; and acknowledging that your kids have been safe to talk things out with patience and understanding without disproportionate consequences; and talk through some scenerios where those two teachings might come into conflict and what you might do about them. Can we discuss with curiosity what it might look like to retain our values, even when they appear at first to be in conflict? You really can continue to value gentleness and the need for boundaries and protection, and if you can see an underlying value instead of one-dimensional stereotype, wouldn't you be more likely to talk to other parents and work it out? At the end of the day allllll of this work is exactly why the cognitive growth is so great. It's _work_. Hard work. It's work that is worth it.

I am thinking about this again because my kid's friend came out to me as gay. Her parents can't know because they come from a country and religion that doesn't accept her identity. They are from a country long colonized, probably converted a couple of generations by homophobic missionaries like members of my extended family (yes, in that very country). I value this family and their place in our little community. I do not agree with their position on homosexuality and it will hurt their child. I will need to find ways to provide community and safety for this dear child but I will also not, as many people seem to be doing these days, refuse to associate with her parents or lambast the culture they operate in. I don't know how things will develop as preteens become teens but I do know that it is worth it. We will mess up and hurt is unavoidable. But this is what diversity costs and if we are not here for it we are just bloviating. Being honest about this is necessary.